
Are you a good listener? It’s an art. A gift. When you listen, allowing someone else to speak their thoughts, opinions, and theories, without waiting eagerly to interrupt with your own thoughts, opinions and theories, you not only give them the gift of being heard and valued, you might even learn something new to add to your bank of wisdom and knowledge. It’s a win-win for everyone. An added bonus is that you become a better communicator and a valued friend.
Have you ever been involved in a group where you are talked over, never asked about yourself, or felt anyone cared enough to ask what is going on in your life? I have. And, for the record, I’ve distanced myself from those people as much as possible. Not because I am angry they didn’t reach out to me but more because I feel they are too self-absorbed to even notice…so why waste my time?
Being a good communicator is much more than giving an eloquent speech or getting your point across in a convincing cocktail of eloquent wording. Being a good communicator includes the ability to know when you should close your mouth, tune into the person you are communicating with and wait. And waiting isn’t always easy. We all have our own experiences we want to inject into someone else’s story but interrupting their story to bring the focus back on yourself isn’t good communication. It’s self-centered and inappropriate. Yet, it is so common that we rarely even notice it happening.
We all want to be heard. To be validated. To be center stage. But one of the most valuable tools I have found in nurturing a relationship is just to be quiet and listen. Looking into the other person’s eyes and showing that you care and you are there for them, is…. priceless. It’s the same thing we need to do with our own family members. The best way to help someone else process a problem or frustration is to allow them to vent and voice their feelings. Sometimes they just need a sounding board. You may have a strong opinion about what they have to say, but allowing them to come to their own resolution is usually the best gift you can give them.
Next time someone is telling you a story, think before you interrupt with your own experience. It’s their story. Let them tell it. You’ll get your chance at some point to tell your own story. If not, you may decide that the person who is doing all the talking isn’t really interested in what you have to say but is totally content to be self-absorbed. And those people probably won’t become your best friends! Below is a poem I wrote a few years ago when I became more aware of how listening is truly a rare commodity.
Do You Hear Me?
Listen…
Do you hear me?
You are talking
words of advice;
words that tickle the ear…
But do you hear?
Do you hear my heart?
Do you hear my soul?
Are your words
just part of
filling up a hole?
A hole of silence;
an uncomfortable void…
So you don’t listen…
you talk
You pour out words;
Advice I do not need…
but you feel better
and I feel the pain
of
not
being
heard…
Joanne F Miller
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