I’m struggling over an issue that has kept me thinking a lot about the responsibility of a mentor/role model. How do you reconcile respecting someone’s wisdom and expertise in one area when that “expert” fails to meet your expectations in other areas? Perhaps even violates your personal belief or value system. Does following that person’s instruction in the area where he/she excels give tacit approval of overall lifestyle? I’d love to hear what others feel about this. It comes up often enough and has been a thread running through my life for decades.
Dan (www.48Days.com) has gotten raving reviews from followers of his blogs and podcasts and but once in awhile he will hear from a fan who heard him refer to a quotation by someone they dislike and Dan gets this kind of message, “I thought you were a Christian but you quoted so-and-so, which clearly shows you are not! So take me off your mailing list!” I’m serious. Like Dan’s whole value and belief system is in question because of a quotation he used that he felt was valuable to his audience and tied into his message.
When I was a young and very inexperienced wife and mother, I remember feeling this consternation because I so needed good mentors and role models from which to learn. I kept trying to find that perfect person who was living the perfect life. It just never happened. But what did happen was I stopped searching for a mini-God and began to understand that everyone has failings, is human and doesn’t always make wise choices. That’s life. That’s being human. It was then that I could begin to separate the chaff from the grain and accept that even the imperfect teacher has areas of expertise from which I could learn and grow. I didn’t have to have someone complete a thesis on the purity of their life to qualify as a mentor if they had knowledge/experience in an area they excelled in and I needed to learn. It made finding a mentor or teacher or even a friend much more palatable.
It’s interesting how we get so enamored by an athlete or celebrity and follow their games or movies like it’s our life’s mission because he or she is an incredible player or actor, yet totally ignore their very public record of infidelity or violence and abuse. Truth is, we pick and choose what we want to believe and filter through our own lens.
Several years ago Dan read a biography of Napoleon Hill and became more than a bit disenchanted with the way Hill lived his life. So much so that for a time he had difficulty recommending Hill’s famous book, Think and Grow Rich. Yet, that book had played a very important part in Dan’s life and he had referred it to others hundreds of times. It’s a great book. The wisdom in those pages didn’t become rubbish just because Dan found out Hill abandoned his family in his continual pursuit of success. In fact, his Mastermind group gifted him with a first edition copy he considers one of his most valuable possessions.
I’ve recently had to revisit this conundrum in reading and recommending Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic. Gilbert imparts incredible wisdom valuable to any artist, writer, musician or Creative. I have highlighted and tabbed so many pages in this great book. It is incredible. However, I have to admit I struggled with picking up and finishing the book when I read all the hullabaloo about her leaving her second husband for love of her girlfriend. Her actions totally violate all I stand for in my belief/value system. Then I got a letter from my penpal who said she was struggling with the same issue with Gilbert. Then I had lunch with a dear friend who told me she was also struggling with the Gilbert situation. I think it has shocked and rocked a lot of people. So for a couple weeks, Big Magic has been on the table by my favorite reading chair untouched. I simply couldn’t decide what to do. Till this morning. I picked it up and began reading where I had left off and that book still has magic in it. It is not only very well written but has so much wisdom in it I couldn’t help but become engaged again. And when I did, it came to me that after all these years I needed to remind myself I still won’t find perfect people out there to mentor me. I won’t find perfect teachers and I will never be perfect myself. That’s reality. I’m not happy with Gilbert and I don’t like how she leads her personal life. But I am not her judge and jury. What decisions she makes in trying to “find herself” are her business and the fact that her personal life is smeared all over the Internet is a shame. But regardless of who Elizabeth Gilbert is in the eyes of the public, she is still a darned good writer with a lot of brilliant insight into the heart and soul of the artist. I will continue to regale her book because I believe what she says is expert advice.
“So many of us believe in perfection, which ruins everything else, because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it’s also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun.” Rebecca Solnit as quoted in Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert
Joanne, What a great blog. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it is through our weaknesses that our strengths become stronger. I, too, do not think we throw the whole person out because they are different from me in some areas. Thanks for sharing.
Putting someone on a pedestal and expecting perfection from that person puts a ton of stress on everyone. Not at all realistic. Thanks so much for your comment, Debby!
Joanne, this is a wonderful post. I was so intrigued by your comments about Napoleon Hill, that I looked up his bio on Google and read it. While I agree that he did make some disappointing decisions, it still does not negate the tremendous impact his life’s work has had on millions of lives. Sometimes people must pursue their callings, even at great costs.
Think of the great leaders in the Bible. I would hate to hold it against Moses that his family life probably suffered because of his call to lead the children of Israel out of Egypt. He accomplished an enormous feat, and I am certain his wife and children were not always included.
King David made grievous errors in judgement, but he is still known as a man after God’s own heart.
I am so thankful to God that I don’t have to be perfect in order to be legitimate or taken seriously by folks whom I respect and wish to influence. Jesus paid the price so I don’t have to be perfect. He has that one covered.
Your decision to finish reading the book by Elizabeth Gilbert was the right one. Just because a person makes mistakes, it doesn’t mean we can’t or shouldn’t learn something from them, too. In fact, I would say those are the best people to learn from.
Thanks for a fantastic insight.
Anna, You are so right. If we started making a list of all the wrongs famous people have done we would never stop. And as the saying goes, “When pointing a finger at someone else, we have four fingers pointing back to ourselves!” Thanks so much for adding to my blog by citing these examples of great people….who weren’t perfect by any means…but made great impact on the world. Bless you, jfm
Both thought provoking and inspiring. It’s easy to be disappointed when a hero shows any kind of flaw or deviation from our personal beliefs. But the reality is we all have strengths and weaknesses.
I remember you telling me early in our marriage that putting someone on a pedestal puts a huge burden on that person and wasn’t fair or realistic. It made an impression I remember to this day. love you, jfm
Hi Joanne,
I always enjoy reading your blogs and gleaning from your wisdom. This topic is one I struggle with, too.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom, Joanne. Always good food for thought!
Thanks, Angila. I am honored to speak into your life and others who read my blog and listen to my interviews. I take that responsibility seriously. We are on this great journey together and can learn so much from one another. Bless you!
Really great. Thank you. God speaks to unbelievers. If He didn’t, how would ANY of us gotten saved?
His gifts in each person are there regardless of their choices or relationship with Jesus. Of course when our lives are aligned with Him then we live in our highest potential. And He can flow through us and direct us.
I love the freedom we have to learn from anyone and toss out the chaff. Way better than living afraid and closed off. I know I have missed out on some valuable contributions from others because I was so busy judging and making them wrong. Not to mention missing an opportunity to communicate the love of God to someone who needed it!
What a great message, Gail. Thanks so much. I have learned a lot about judging others through the years and have found freedom in that. Bless you!
Really enjoyed hearing your thoughts here Joanne! Thanks for sharing. I Love how you picked the book up again and continued to find inspiration and encouragement. I am excited to read it myself!
Big Magic is a great book, indeed. You will love it…and you will undoubtedly mark it up as much as I have. Let me know what you think.
Oh yes, I’ve been there. The same struggle – values and personal choices.
I’ve never met a person whose view of the world aligned 100 percent with mine. But I find value in their ideas and teachings. Like you said, none of us will ever be perfect ourselves and it’s really not our place to judge. Not to mention, the world we live in is filled with sensationalized media, gossip and hearsay. Do we ever see the complete picture of someone’s life? And what is perfect anyway?
Great advice as always! So very wise and thoughtful.
The truth is, our world would be quite boring if we were all clones of one another. There is such value in the diversity. Thanks Holly for the great comment.
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LOVE this – so, so true, and so frustrating when I hear someone completely “throw the baby out with the bath” – NONE of us are perfect, and I would hate to think how our world would be if every single person thought exactly the same way. We all have our own perspectives, and that’s part of what makes it beautiful. The uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us. We each carry our own story and our own truths – and we can glean such incredible insights and wisdom from others when we drop the judgmental lenses and simply appreciate what words resonate with us vs. whether or not they are worthy of saying them. Thanks for the spot-on blog post!
Yes, Ashley….you are right. We all have such value in our uniqueness. Sometimes things come up in our life that initiates more self-exploration to determine how we will handle issues and sort out the chaff from the grain. Thanks for the great comment Ashley!
I love this, Joanne. Thank you for putting into words something I’ve struggled with, yet I hadn’t really pinpointed my feelings exactly until now. I’ve paused and hesitated to praise (for example, on social media) someone for an accomplishment or something I admire, for fear that I may be perceived as 100% accepting of their lifestyle. Like you said, we can’t expect perfection from anyone, especially ourselves! I certainly wouldn’t want someone to hold me to that kind of standard – I wouldn’t be able to help ANYONE if that were the case!
Tricia…You are so right. Totally unfair to expect perfection of anyone. Thanks for your great comment.
Hello Joanne, I have struggled with this issue many times. When we put people on a pedestal we are bound to be disappointed. There is also wisdom in trying to understand the viewpoint of those we disagree with. It doesn’t mean we have to agree, but we can learn. I also loved Big Magic and found great insight there. Liz Gilbert may choose to live her life in a way different from the way I live my life, but it is her life to live. I think we all just try to live in the best way we can and we all make mistakes along the way.
Michele, Thanks for your insightful comment. We can learn a lot from others who don’t think like we do. The key is to not judge and condemn but to listen. Great feedback. Thanks.
I have been thinking a lot about this issue. Here is a link to a blog I read today expressing some of these same ideas in a clear way. I thought you might appreciate it:
http://www.taramohr.com/2016/10/on-disappointment-with-heroes/#comment-540703
I remember my mistakes and my sins – everyone of them. The odd thing is I don’t remember many of the good things I have done. On occasion, someone will remind me. I remember for a while but then forget. But I have never forgotten my mistakes so I do have some regrets. Thank God that he does not remember; and just because someone fails, does not mean that everything they ever did or said was wrong or a failure. We are but mortal human beings striving to do the right thing but fail, fail, fail. “There is none righteous, no not one.”
Thank you for posting this.
Wow, Debra…..I can’t imagine you dwelling more on the negatives, the mistakes and failures….and not remembering all the victories. I firmly believe that what we dwell on most, follows us. I know I am made in the image of the KING and that, to me, means I am innately good. I may make a bad decision or a mistake or sin…but those are my responsibility. I own them but they are times of learning and growing….not a definition of who I am or am becoming. Failure is an event….not a person. I am still a child of the King…and I will continue to be the best I can be with the tools I have at the time. I will learn from my mistakes and go forward, knowing that my goal is to lead a Godly life the best I know how. Thanks for your comment, Debra.